OOCitis
by RemyTheReaper
Summary: Thirteen is sick with a puzzling medical condition, that House can't help but enjoy. CRACKFIC T to be safe.


**A/N: Okay, this story is dedicated to Revengent, because it's her birthday today! HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!! Anyways, this is very crack-y. If you can't understand that, don't bother reading.**

Thirteen was sick.

She was laying on the couch in the differential room, a blanket thrown over her shaking body. Taub kneeled next to her, holding a comforting hand on her shoulder. None of the others were there yet and he was worried about her.

"T-Taub" she mumbled weakly.

"Yeah?"

"Is this my Huntington's?"

Taub rolled his eyes, "No."

"Really?"  
"Yes."

"Really, really?"

"Yes, Really, really."

Thirteen sniffled, "But it is very fast onset and I should be dead tomorrow because I'm having tremors now."

Taub patted her shoulder, "Okay. Well, I'm going to wait until someone else gets here and then get you a sedative."

Thirteen nodded, and her eyes began to drop. Taub sighed, glancing towards the door. Then, magically, Foreman and Kutner came in at the same time. They didn't have anything with them (because really? Who comes to work prepared) so they both ran dramatically towards Thirteen's side.

"Oh my god, is she okay?" Foreman shouted unnecessarily, pulling out the stethoscope he obviously carried at all times. Taub rolled his eyes,

"She's fine, she's just sick." He said, pushing Foreman away. Kutner frowned, kneeling down next to Taub and putting a hand on her cheek,

"She's burning up, I'm going to go get her some water." He said, standing up and hurrying from the room, even though there was a sink and cups _in_ the room. On his way out, he practically ran into House, who mumbled something about Kutner's sexuality and Star Wars before entering the room and glancing over at Thirteen.

"Party Girl gone and got herself up on an acid trip?" he asked, standing near the couch.

"House!" Thirteen exclaimed, sitting up in excitement, "House I'm so glad you're here, because I know I just make you swoon and even though-"

House silenced her by lifting his cane and pushing her over onto her side. She shut her eyes and let out a dreamy sigh. Taub stared at her in shock,

"What just happened?"

"Thirteen here is suffering from OOC-itis."

Thirteen laughed, as if she knew what she was talking about, while Taub and Foreman just stared. House rolled his eyes,

"Look." He poked Thirteen with his cane and she looked up with an airy smile. House smiled back down at her, looking terrifying.

"Thirteen, why don't you tell us what happened with Cameron last night."

Thirteen chewed her bottom lip for a moment, looking over at Taub, who nodded her on encouragingly. Finally she sighed,

"Well, she was comforting me about my Huntington's, or I was comforting her because she and Chase broke up, or we were both drunk, or I got hurt and ended up in the ER, or our affair has secretly been going on for a long time now,"

Taub wondered how any of those could be true, but didn't bother asking. Thirteen continued,

"And after we had a long talk, or got completely hammered, or woke up from being passed out naked in the same bed, we totally made out, stared lustingly at each other, hooked up, or got in a huge fight. Or all of those."

"Really?" House asked, obviously amused. Thirteen nodded and yawned,  
"It was a long night."

"I can imagine." House said, before turning back to Foreman and Taub.

"See? OOC-itis. It's a bacterial infection caused by lesbian sex."

Foreman raised his eyebrows, "Really?"

"No."

Just then Cuddy walked into the room. House noticed the sudden mischievous look on Thirteen's face and felt his eyes go wide,

"Grab her."  
Taub and Foreman leapt forward, each one grabbing one of Thirteen's arms as she tried to catapult herself off the couch at Cuddy. Cuddy took one look at her and sighed,

"Another case of OOC-itis? This is practically an epidemic! Cameron had it yesterday…"

House shrugged, turning back to Thirteen with a smirk,

"So Thirteen, why don't you tell us about your night with Dr. Cuddy last night."

Thirteen's eyes flashed and she grinned,

"Oh! _That's _a good story," Thirteen began, but Cuddy cut her off.

"Dr. Hadley, if you want to keep your job, you'll consider what you're about to say."

Thirteen blinked innocently, though a look of disappointment was obvious on her face.

"So, that's true then?" Taub asked, looking between the pouting Thirteen and Cuddy. Cuddy rolled her eyes,

"Of course not. She thinks it is though."

Taub looked back at Thirteen. She had regained her airily optimistic look again.

"So, how do you fix it?" he asked. Cuddy sighed,

"Well, it's difficult. It can only be cured with True Love's Kiss."

Suddenly Foreman sprang into action. He grabbed Thirteen's face in his hands and kissed her. When he pulled away she had a strange look on her face. Then, she projectile vomited all over him. Taub, House, and Cuddy all stared at him, then they all began to laugh,

"Seriously?" House asked, "You thought you were her true love? You two aren't even going out."

Taub was doubled over in hysterics. Thirteen was feeling too sick to laugh, she lay back on her side and shut her eyes. Foreman, still covered in vomit, ran crying from the room. The others promptly forgot that he had ever existed.

"Who else can we ask about?" House wondered aloud, poking the now half-asleep Thirteen in the ribcage with his cane. She mumbled something that sounded like "Chase" then rolled over, away from the other three. House grinned deviously,

"Hey, Thirteen, tell us about what happened with Chase."

Thirteen grumbled, swatting her hand at House. He frowned, poking her again,

"Hey!"

"House," Cuddy interjected, snatching his cane, "She's tired, leave her alone. We still have to find her true love."

"Oh, Kutner went to get her some water an obnoxiously long time ago." Taub said.

"Good," House grabbed his cane back from Cuddy and jabbed Thirteen again, "in the mean time, she can tell us about Chase."

Thirteen let out a whine, then her eyes fluttered open,

"Hot." She said sleepily.

"Are you hot?" Taub asked, but Thirteen shook her head,

"No, the sex was hot, especially when Cameron-"

"I'm back, sorry it took me so long." Kutner called from the doorway. He was holding a glass of water. Suddenly, Thirteen's eyes lit up,

"Kutner!!!" she cried happily, standing up and rushing towards him. Kutner set the glass of water on the table as she threw herself into his arms, smashing her lips against his. Kutner looked shocked, pushing her away.

"umm…" He trailed off, looking down at a now horrified Thirteen,

"What just happened?" she asked, her eyes moving from House to Taub to Cuddy, and back to House, who she was sure had something to do with it.

"What do you think happened?"

Thirteen frowned, putting a hand to her throbbing forehead,

"I…I don't know! I feel like I said lots of things that were completely inappropriate…"

Cuddy smirked, "You did." Then she walked out of the differential room, mumbling something to House as she passed that made him grin.

"So Ducklings, go do something that may or may not involve actually working while I go bang Cuddy in her office."

With that, House limped out. Taub made some excuse to leave so that Thirteen and Kutner were left awkwardly together, then Kutner shrugged,

"Wanna go find a janitor's closet somewhere?"

Thirteen nodded, then frowned, "Yeah, but I think I'm going to go wash my mouth out with soap first, I feel like I just projectile vomited after being kissed by an ugly old man."

**A/N: Yay…Review?**


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